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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29704173">Nothing's Wrong (Please Help)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395'>Starlight1395</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Binging and Purging, Denial, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, OT7, happy open ending, mild Self-harm, more tags if requested</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:55:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,479</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29704173</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyungwon doesn't have an eating disorder. He had worked with enough idols and models who did that he knew the difference between what he was doing, and what they had done. He was fine.</p><p>Sure, he counted his calories almost religiously, and purged occasionally. Sure, he couldn't look at himself in the mirror. Sure, he made any excuse not to eat, but he fine.</p><p>Until he wasn't, and his refusal to admit that he wasn't fine caused his friend - bright, talented, loving Changkyun - to spiral along with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chae Hyungwon &amp; Everyone, Chae Hyungwon &amp; Im Changkyun | I.M, Chae Hyungwon &amp; Lee Minhyuk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nothing's Wrong (Please Help)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was requested by a guest commenter on one of my other MX fics! Thank you so much for kicking me in the ass to get back into writing for these boys :3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hyungwon watched Hyunwoo eat with faint disgust. He understood his hyung needed to eat way more than the rest of them to keep up with his workout routine, but even after so many years of living together, the younger vocalist never got used to the sheer amount of food his leader could consume in a single sitting.</p><p>At least Hoseok was a little better. The other man would eat sporadically through the day, snacking at almost any given opportunity and offering to share every time. Because of this, he would normally eat about the same amount as the others at dinner time.</p><p>Hyungwon’s stomach churned. Looking down at his own plate, he wondered how much more he had to eat to get away with not finishing the rest. He had eaten a fairly large lunch that day, provided by the staff at their photoshoot, and he still wasn’t all that hungry.</p><p>He had never had much of an appetite, really. Even when he was a trainee, he was too focused on improving his singing, and his dancing, and keeping himself sane enough to get out of bed each morning that he never really paid his calorie intake too much mind - that is, he knew what too much was and tended to be very good at staying below that.</p><p>“Are you gonna finish that hyung?” Jooheon asked, breaking Hyungwon from his thoughts. He looked down at his plate and saw that the rapper was referring to the kimchi that Kihyun and Minhyuk had made fresh earlier that week.</p><p>“Nah, you can have it,” Hyungwon smiled, pushing his plate towards the younger. Jooheon’s face instantly lit up as he shoveled the cabbage onto his own plate, eating it at the speed of light. Hyungwon watched his friend dance in his chair a little, wiggling in happiness that came with an extra serving of Kihyun’s famous side dish. “You’ve been eating well. I’m glad.”</p><p>“Hm?” Jooheon blinked, freezing his dance for a moment before looking at his hyung with a curious expression. “Of course. Kihyun hyung is really strict. You should know that better than anyone.”</p><p>It was Hyungwon’s turn to blink. What did Jooheon mean? He couldn’t recall the other boy being any more or less on his ass about things recently. In fact, it seemed Kihyun had been calming down a little with the mothering in the last year or two. He put more trust in his boys to take care of themselves, and he was learning to accept small messes. He wasn’t nearly as strict anyone either, sometimes even joining in with whatever shenanigans they were getting themselves into at the time.</p><p>“I think I’m gonna shower while I have the chance.” Changkyun said, pushing his plate towards Jooheon and standing.</p><p>“Are you sure? Did you eat enough?” Kihyun asked, eyeing the amount of dinner left on the youngest’s plate with concern.</p><p>“Mm, you know how I get when we have a busy day,” Changkyun laughed, and the older boys relaxed some - the maknae had always found himself with less appetite than usual if his day had been packed and stressful. He had been like that for as long as they could remember, so it wasn’t out of character for him to not finish his dinner. “I’ll help you clean up when I get out.”</p><p>“I’ll hold you to that.” Kihyun hummed, turning back to his own plate only after giving the younger rapper a playful nose wrinkle.</p><p>Hyungwon watched the interaction with a faint smile. His members were a little weird at times, but they were just who he needed to become the person he was.</p><p>His stomach cramped and he fought back a wince. He hated purging, but sometimes the food would sit like a rock - or even worse, start bubbling and threatening to make him sick all over the table - and he would need to get it out himself before it took matters into his own hands.</p><p>It mostly happened when he ate too much. Too many calories made him sick, which was why Hyungwon was very careful about making sure he didn’t go over.</p><p>1,000 calories on a practice day, 500 on an off day.</p><p>Clearly it was a healthy amount, because he was fine. He didn’t feel sick, most of the time, and he was still able to keep up with the choreography that just got more and more convoluted as their careers went on.</p><p>He was fine. He had seen models with eating disorders - with their ribs breaking through their skin and limp hair and brittle nails. It was something he was almost too familiar with, which is why he knew he wasn’t sick. He wasn’t like <em>them</em>. He was fine. He had control.</p><p>He murmured something about having a headache and excused himself, not even waiting to hear if anyone responded. He hoped Kihyun wouldn’t be too upset that he just left without clearing his plate, but he was tired.</p><p>His stomach hurt - definitely ate too much.</p><p>It was fine. He just wouldn’t eat tomorrow to make up for it.</p><hr/><p><br/>“I’m glad you’re eating well.” A monbebe smiled at him. They were having a last minute fansign, and the event was finally wrapping up. It had been a long three hours, and Hyungwon was looking forward to crashing for the night.</p><p>“Ah, how can you tell?” He chuckled, but internally he cringed. Was it that obvious? He had been cheating a little, eating far more than he should. Did it show? Was he getting fat? He couldn’t get fat-</p><p>“Your cheeks are round,” She grinned brightly. Hyungwon could see how excited she was that he was eating well, yet that didn’t stop the nasty feeling brewing in his stomach.</p><p>“All we want is for you guys to be healthy and happy. Plus, you were losing weight and we were all worried about you,” She paused to frown a little, her eyebrows meeting in the middle. Hyungwon felt as though he could cry - they really cared about him that much? It was hard to believe, even after all this time. “But it’s okay! Because you look happier now!”</p><p>“Do I?” He chuckled lightly. “That’s good to hear. I wouldn’t want to worry any of our precious Monbebes.”</p><p>Before he could say anything else, the line was moving. The event continued, but the feeling in Hyungwon’s chest stayed firm.</p><p>On the ride back to the dorms, he was quiet - no one questioned it though. He was always a little more quiet after a long day. To them, he was just playing a game on his phone, as he tended to do in the car. Nothing out of the ordinary.</p><p>Except he wasn’t playing a game.</p><p>Hyungwon logged everything he had eaten that day and looked at the total, his stomach sinking in horror. He had been so distracted by how rushed the day had been, that he had just... eaten anything that had been handed to him. At the time, he didn’t even notice what he was putting into his body, but now...</p><p>2,145</p><p>The number seemed to mock him. Over twice his normal amount. No wonder he felt so disgusting and fat. He could see it now - the fat that hung over his frame, weighing him down, making him ugly, revolting-</p><p>Hyungwon got out of the van without a sound.</p><p>No, he was fine, he told himself. He didn’t have an eating disorder. Days like this happened, and that was okay.</p><p>He would just go to the gym later.</p><p>And not eat tomorrow.</p><p>Maybe not the day after either, just to be safe.</p><p>“Hyung? You’re looking pale. Are you okay?” Changkyun asked, peering up at the taller boy. Hyungwon blinked and felt the world spin a little.</p><p>“Mm, tired,” He said with a weak smile. Even he could tell it wasn’t fooling the maknae. “I can’t wait to pass out for a few hours.”</p><p>“Well, as long as you wake up at some point.” Changkyun tried to chuckle, but it sounded strained. Hyungwon stopped and looked - really <em>looked</em> - at the younger boy. It was clear there was something on his mind, but Changkyun was notorious for being able to lock things so far down they basically disappear.</p><p>Until they come back, and the boy was left a sobbing mess at two in the morning, that is.</p><p>“Changkyun-” Hyungwon was cut off by Hyunwoo herding them into the dorm, the leader’s eyes tired but his smile warm.</p><p>“Come on everyone. We’ve had a long day and deserve some rest.” He said as they filed in, one by one.</p><p>“Can we order take out?” Minhyuk asked, though it came out more as a whine.</p><p>“I second that.” Jooheon chimed in, the gel in his hair starting to fail, letting a few pieces fall into his face.</p><p>“Actually, I agree,” Kihyun said from where he was splayed on the couch. “I don’t think I can get up, let alone cook.”</p><p>“One of us could cook, you know,” Minhyuk crouched in front of his friend and poked his cheek, only getting a weak swat of annoyance in return. “We are adults, as hard as it is to believe. We can make ourselves food once in a while.”</p><p>“I know, I just like cooking for you all,” Kihyun yawned, his eyes prickling with tears from the stretch. “Makes me feel... content to know you’re happy.”</p><p>“Take a nap aegi,” Minhyuk hummed, his eyes turning up as he smiled at his friend. He leaned down and pressed a light kiss to Kihyun’s forehead before standing and turning back to the others. “I’ll make sure to order something extremely unhealthy and fattening, as we deserve!”</p><p>“Minhyuk, no-” Kihyun started to say, only to be cut off.</p><p>“Um, I’m not feeling too good,” Changkyun said softly. Everyone’s eyes turned to him, concern radiating off each body. “I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Minhyuk asked, going to the maknae. As much as they joked that Kihyun was the mom of Monsta X, there was something about Minhyuk’s particular brand of mothering that couldn’t be compared to anything else. “We can order you something for tomorrow, if you want. Do you want medicine?”</p><p>“Ah, it's not that bad,” He said with a chuckle. He really did look exhausted. “I just need some sleep. If you could order me something, I’ll definitely eat it in the morning.”</p><p>“One of us will come in and check on you in a little bit.” Minhyuk promised. With a kiss on the cheek and swat to the ass, he sent Changkyun to bed. Hyungwon watched the youngest close the door behind him and felt something curling in his chest.</p><p>Jealousy.</p><p>He wished he could just... sleep through dinner. Taking a nap and having that nice, comforting emptiness in his stomach was so much more appealing than sitting through a meal where he would be constantly monitored until he ate what they deemed enough.</p><p>He felt sick just thinking about it.</p><p>“Is it alright if I shower when we wait for the food?” He asked, needing to be alone for a minute before he completely broke down.</p><p>“Mm, just don’t take too long,” Hyunwoo smiled warmly at him. It made Hyungwon feel guilty - Hyunwoo did so much for them, and he was thinking of excuses not to spend time with him and the others? He really was ungrateful. “Wonnie, you okay? You’re spacing out.”</p><p>“Hm?” He blinked. He hadn’t realized he had been staring into space. “Oh, yeah I’m fine. Just tired. Changkyunnie had the right idea going to nap.”</p><p>“We can all go to sleep as soon as we wash up and get some food in us,” Hyunwoo chuckled. He knew Hyungwon’s habit of sleeping at any given moment. “We don’t have any schedules tomorrow, so we can sleep in and recover from today.”</p><p>Hyungwon didn’t stick around to hear what the others said in response to that. Slipping into his room for a moment, he blindly grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom. As he stripped, he noted that the mirror was smudged - such a small detail, but it made the feeling of <em>wrongness</em> grow in his chest.</p><p>He ripped his eyes away from his reflection and turned the faucet on. He could feel his stomach rolls when he bent over. It made him sick.</p><p>Before stepping into the steaming water, Hyungwon paused.</p><p>He knew he shouldn’t - he didn’t have an eating disorder. He was fine.</p><p>He wasn’t like the models he used to work with.</p><p>He tried to convince himself of this as he pulled out the glass scale that was tucked between the toilet and the sink. Hoseok had bought it to keep track of his muscle gain, but it was rare that any of them actually used it. With their schedules, they never really had a chance for their weights to fluctuate too much.</p><p>Stepping onto the scale, he felt his heart drop to the floor.</p><p>135 even.</p><p>The last time he checked, he had only been 132.</p><p>He gained three whole pounds.</p><p>Hyungwon placed the scale back where it belonged before his knees gave out. Shaking fingers tugged at his bangs. How could he have let it get this bad? How could he have let himself get so-so-</p><p>So fucking fat?</p><p>He didn’t even need to shove his fingers down his throat to make himself heave. The panic from the scale alone was enough to bring what little was left in his stomach back up to see the light again. Pieces of the sandwich he and Jooheon had split before leaving set seemed to glare back at him, as if to mock him for losing control.</p><p>Nails dug into the fat of his stomach, ripping across his skin. He deserved the pain - if he had been stronger, he wouldn’t have gained so much weight.</p><p>But he didn’t have an eating disorder.</p><p>He was fine.</p><p>He was-</p><p>He heaved again. Only bile and spit splashed pathetically into the toilet water.</p><p>He couldn’t eat dinner - not after he had gotten so disgusting.</p><p>Hyungwon stood and shakily stepped into the shower, washing himself as quickly as physically possible. He didn’t want to be naked for even a second longer than he had to be.</p><p>He wanted to be safe under the protection of his oversized sweaters and sweatpants. He felt so exposed, even though he was alone.</p><p>Slipping the sweater over his head, Hyungwon felt some of the tension leave his shoulders. His stomach stung from where he raked his nails across the sensitive skin, and his throat was on fire, but he felt better.</p><p>He was better.</p><p>Hyungwon ignored the calls from his hyung, telling him that their food was there. He could smell the take out, and if he had anything left in his stomach, it would be on the floor in an instant. He tried his best not to slam the door behind him, but he knew he failed slightly when the picture frame on the top of the dresser - pressed against the wall the door was on - rattle and fell, landing on a pile of clothes.</p><p>He picked it up and put it back in place, taking a moment to really look at the photo. It had been taken just after the reality show had finished. He could barely believe they were all that young, once. Hyunwoo and Hoseok were sticks compared to what they looked like now, and Jooheon had lost most of his baby fat. Minhyuk looked mostly the same, if not a little more mature now, as did Kihyun.</p><p>The biggest change was from Changkyun. In the photo, the boy looked awkward, borderline scared, even with Jooheon’s arm thrown over his shoulder. Hyungwon remembered how long it took to truly get through to their maknae - to get Changkyun to admit that his anxiety told him the rest of the members hated him for coming into the show halfway, and that he would never fit in with Monsta X.</p><p>Once they were able to convince the boy that he did belong, Changkyun instantly started to blossom. He was funny, and a little weird. He walked around naked a little too much, and had a habit of leaving just a mouthful of milk, or rice in the bottom of the container for someone else to deal with, but he was also smart - almost scarily so - and talented. The raps he wrote had a flow to them that set him apart from any other composers that Hyungwon knew.</p><p>Hyungwon sighed. When did things change so much?</p><p>He shuffled over to his bed. The blankets were neatly pulled up over the mattress. He knew that one was Minhyuk. The older boy knew how Hyungwon sometimes had trouble getting out of bed, and took it upon himself to make the younger boy’s bed every morning, so at least he would have a nice, neat place to return at the end of the day.</p><p>His eyes burned as he fucked up the nice, neat covers. All of Minhyuk’s work, gone at the end of each day. He sunk into the mattress, not bothering to plug his phone in before letting his eyes flutter shut.</p><p>Sleep was his favorite thing to have for dinner.</p><hr/><p>“Hyung, what happened to your hand?” Changkyun asked, making Hyungwon jump. He looked down and saw what the boy was talking about - he had a gash on the back of his hand, just above his knuckle.</p><p>He had cut himself on his front teeth when he threw up his dinner the night before, but he couldn’t tell his maknae that. Changkyun was too good to be dragged into this-</p><p>Dragged into what? He was fine. He didn’t have an eating disorder. He was fine.</p><p>He was <em>fine</em>.</p><p>“Must have nicked it on something,” he said casually, running a thumb over the small cut. It didn’t even hurt anymore. “You know how clumsy I can be.”</p><p>“Mm...” Changkyun trailed off, looking as though he wanted to say something else before changing his mind.</p><p>“Is something bothering you maknae?” Hyungwon asked after a moment of silence.</p><p>“If... If someone’s doing something, and they’re fine, is the thing they’re doing really that bad?”</p><p>“Kinda cryptic but alright,” Hyungwon chuckled before thinking for a second. “I think it depends on what the thing is. Say that person is smoking - they could seem fine, but would have health problems later in life. If someone was getting tattoos, or piercings, or something else that only really affects them, I don’t see why it would be an issue? It’s their body. They can do whatever they want with it.”</p><p>“Hm, I guess...” Changkyun didn’t offer any explanation for the sudden question, or try to expand on what he meant. Hyungwon let the boy curl into his side as some random commercials played on the television.</p><p>Changkyun had always run warm, more so than any other member. He was like a little furnace, which made it difficult when he had a fever because no one would think twice about him being hot to the touch at first, and god knows Changkyun wouldn’t admit anything without being pushed.</p><p>Hyungwon cherished the warmth, because recently it seemed he was always cold.</p><p>“The stylists need to stop messing with your hair,” He commented lazily, running his fingers through the younger boy’s thinning bangs. “You’re gonna go bald at this rate.”</p><p>“Mm, I’ll see if they have anything to help that.” Changkyun hummed but kept his attention firmly planted on the tv.</p><p>Hyungwon felt a spark of familiarity, but he didn’t know why.</p><p>Changkyun was fine.</p><p>Hyungwon was fine.</p><p>They were <em>fine</em>.</p><hr/><p>As Hyungwon felt the world around him blur, he thought maybe - just maybe - he wasn’t as fine as he said he was.</p><p>Of course it had to be when he was alone in the dorms, which was a blessing, really. He didn’t know what he would have done if someone caught him almost fainting just from standing up. He pulled out his phone and checked his calorie counting app.</p><p>It had been almost thirty hours since he last ate. He was overdue, but he wasn’t that hungry. He tried to eat one thing a day, to keep his energy up, but the day before had been an off day and he had slept through most of it. His energy had been nonexistent recently, and he knew the others were starting to take notice.</p><p>He needed to stock up on energy drinks before anyone confronted him.</p><p>He took deep breaths, in through his nose and out through his mouth. The room slowly stopped spinning and he took the risking up properly.</p><p>He was pleased to note he didn’t almost pass out again. Maybe he would check what was in the fridge. He deserved a little treat since he had been so good for almost thirty hours - not the longest he’s gone, but it was an impressive number.</p><p>He was proud of himself for having that kind of self control.</p><p>There were some containers of half-finished left overs stacked on top of each other. Kihyun would be cleaning the fridge out soon - he always did after take-out containers sat for too long. Chicken, steak, noodles, more noodles, another thing of noodles.</p><p>“Does anyone eat anything other than noodles in this house?” He asked the silent dorm with a slight chuckle. He let out a little ‘ah!’ when he saw what he had been looking for - the veggie stir fry they had ordered for him the other day. He had been picking at it a little at a time, but it was clear they were going to start asking questions about why he hadn’t finished it yet - it wasn’t like leftovers to last very long in their fridge.</p><p>The microwave hummed happily as it warmed Hyungwon’s first meal in almost two days, the food popping occasionally. He had ended up throwing about a third of what was left out - he knew his limits better than anyone, and there was no way he would be able to eat that much, even if his appetite hadn’t gone to shit.</p><p>The bowl was hot enough to burn his fingers as he took it out of the microwave, but he didn’t care. Now that the smell was really hitting him, Hyungwon realized just how fucking <em>hungry</em> he was. Without waiting for it to cool, he inhaled the stir fry as if it were his last meal, barely even chewing before taking another bite.</p><p>All too soon the bowl was empty, but the hole in his stomach was still screaming to be filled. Without thinking, Hyungwon went to the fridge and grabbed the first container he could reach. The cold noodles tasted so fucking good as he inhaled those too. He was so fucking hungry. He was so hungry he thought he was going to be sick-</p><p>Hyungwon dropped the empty container onto the floor as his body convulsed. He had just enough time to make it to the kitchen sink before he was throwing everything up at once, the heat from the stir fry and the chill from the noodles not nearly as soothing coming back up again. Neither had been in his stomach long enough to become body temperature, so there was a strict distinction between hot and cold in the bile spewing from chapped lips.</p><p>Why did he ever think he could eat so much? He was disgusting - he deserved to throw everything up like this. How could he have been so stupid? He had been so proud of going so long without eating, and the first thing he did after acknowledging that was binge. He wasn’t even sure who’s noodles he had eaten.</p><p>He hoped they weren’t Hoseok’s. He didn’t want to have to explain why there were bits of noodles and vegetables in the bottom of the sink. With a grimace, he tipped his head under the faucet to rinse his mouth out and washed the evidence of his mistake down the drain, turning on the garbage disposal just to make sure.</p><p>As a last thought, he cut an orange into pieces and threw them in the drain as well, flicking the disposal switch. The scent of citrus instantly covered the smell of stomach acid, and with the rest of the orange on the counter, they would know he ate something and would hopefully not get on his ass.</p><hr/><p><br/>“Changkyun, aren’t you dying in that?” Jooheon asked as the younger boy came to sit on the couch next to him.</p><p>“Hm?” He looked down at what he was wearing - sweatpants and a thick hoodie. “Nah, I was a little chilly earlier.</p><p>“Chilly? It’s like, a thousand degrees out.” Jooheon sat up more, looking at his friend with open concern.</p><p>“It’s fine-”</p><p>“Kihyun hyung! Can you come here?” The older rapper called out before Changkyun had a chance to defend himself. Hyungwon followed the source of the noise, only to find Changkyun trying to smother Jooheon with a pillow.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Kihyun asked, his tone very clearly saying ‘do I even want to know?’ as he took in the sight in the living room. Hyungwon bit back a chuckle as the two youngest sat up, both staring at Kihyun with different expressions - Jooheon with conviction, and Changkyun with betrayal.</p><p>“I think Kyunnie’s sick.” Jooheon said before Changkyun could cut him off. Instantly Kihyun was frowning and kneeling in front of the youngest, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead.</p><p>“He doesn’t feel overly warm,” Kihyun muttered, more to himself than anyone else. “Actually, he feels cooler than usual.”</p><p>“What?” Jooheon blinked and took Changkyun’s face in his hands, squishing the maknae’s cheeks. “Shit, you’re right...”</p><p>“So he is sick?” Hyungwon asked, already prepared to offer to go to the store.</p><p>“I’m fine,” Changkyun complained, pushing his hyungs away from him. “Just cuz I’m cold doesn’t mean I’m sick...”</p><p>“Sorry aegi, but you understand why we’re worried, right?” Kihyun asked, soothing the youngest by running his fingers through his bangs. Changkyun relaxed into the touch without meaning to.</p><p>“Mm, I do,” He huffed, crossing his arms. “But I’m fine. Really.”</p><p>“Do you want something to eat?”</p><p>“No thank you,” Changkyun said quickly, and if Hyungwon didn’t know any better, he would think the younger boy looked faintly green. “I had a big lunch.”</p><p>Hyungwon watched Changkyun as he and Kihyun went back and forth. The younger boy looked exhausted - more than usual - and his cheeks were hollowing out, the roundness they had all come to love practically gone. It was just because he was growing up, right? The same thing happened with Jooheon, and Jooheon was fine.</p><p>Was Changkyun’s hair thinner? No, he just hasn’t showered yet today. He looked pale though - no, it was just the lighting.</p><p>Changkyun was fine. Hyungwon was just overthinking it. It was fine. He was fine.</p><p>
  <em>He was fine.</em>
</p><hr/><p><br/>He could still taste the fried chicken on the back of his tongue as he typed the number of calories into his tracker app. Hyungwon was very strict with that - he tracked every single thing he ate, even if it was just a few bites of something. Hitting enter, Hyungwon closed out of the app and scanned his phone screen, looking for something to pass the time.</p><p>They were in the studio, recording for their newest comeback. It was slow going, but then again when had they ever been able to record anything quickly? Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hoseok had left already, having finished their parts without much trouble. They went to one of the practice rooms to go over their choreography. Hyunwoo was sitting on the other side of the couch, waiting for his turn while Jooheon sat by the mixing board, giving Changkyun instructions through the headset in the recording booth.</p><p>The youngest had been in there for a while, and his frustration was beginning to bleed into his voice more and more with each take.</p><p>Just then, he heard a light ‘ding’ come from next to him. Glancing over, he saw Changkyun’s phone laying innocently on the couch, right where the boy in question had been sitting before he had been called to record.</p><p>Now, Hyungwon wasn’t one to pry into people’s personal lives. That being said, he couldn’t help but glance at the screen - not because he wanted to know all of Changkyun’s secrets, but simply because he was bored, and curious.</p><p>His stomach sank when he saw the icon for a familiar app. Glancing back to the recording booth, it was clear Changkyun wouldn’t be leaving any time soon, he reached over and quickly grabbed the younger boy’s phone.</p><p>His fingerprint was already in Changkyun’s phone - they all had their prints in each other phones, mainly for emergencies, but also so they could change the music while they were traveling.</p><p>He pretended he couldn’t feel his heartbeat in his ears as he tapped on the notification.</p><p>He thought he was going to be sick.</p><p>Changkyun had the same calorie counter as he did - and he was subscribed to his hyung’s log.</p><p>The app allowed people to subscribe to one another, as a way to encourage one another to eat healthier, but Hyungwon knew instantly that wasn’t why Kyun had notifications on for the older boy’s account.</p><p>He took a shaking breath before clicking on Changyun’s personal log.</p><p>It was exactly the same as Hyungwon’s, give or take a few things.</p><p>Hyungwon didn’t have an eating disorder. He was fine with the amount he ate - he was healthy.<br/>Changkyun, on the other hand...</p><p>Changkyun should be eating so much more. He should be eating twice what he had been in... he scrolled back to see how long their maknae had been doing this and felt tears stinging his eyes.</p><p>It had been almost two full months, and none of them noticed?</p><p>“Hyung, is that my phone?”</p><p>Hyungwon looked up, his face flushing in shame. He had been caught red-handed, but how was he going to explain himself? What could he say to keep Changkyun from being angry - from hating him?</p><p>“Uh...” He said, oh so eloquently, handing the device back over. Changkyun checked to see what Hyungwon was looking at before flopping on the couch next to him. Hyungwon waited for the explosion, but none came.</p><p>“You look like you’re about to cry, hyung,” Changkyun chuckled, not glancing up from the game he was playing. “Was my rapping that bad?”</p><p>“Kyun... why- when- you-” He didn’t know what to say. He must have sounded as lost as he felt, because Changkyun locked his phone and faced him fully.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he asked, his eyes so wide - so innocent.</p><p>“Aegi,” He tried, starting slowly. The use of the pet name told Changkyun something wasn’t just wrong - it was <em>wrong</em>. “H-how long have you been using that app?”</p><p>“Uh, a few months?” Changkyun answered easily. “I saw you had it and wanted to lose a little weight.”</p><p>“Changkyun, it’s not healthy for you to eat that little,” His hands were shaking, he could feel it as he hid them in the pocket of his hoodie. “You need twice that amount-”</p><p>“But that’s how much you eat, and you’re fine,” Changkyun pointed out, starting to sound a little cross. Hyungwon’s stomach sank even further. “Besides, it’s like you said. As long as it’s just happening to me, and not affecting other people, it’s alright.”</p><p>Hyungwon was not fine</p><p>He wasn’t fine.</p><p>He <strong><em>wasn’t fucking fine-</em></strong></p><p>“Changkyun, you- you can’t-” He choked, his throat stinging painfully. Changkyun’s eyes widened in horror when tears started running down the older boy’s cheeks.</p><p>“It’s fine, hyung,” <em>no it wasn’t!</em> “It’s not like I’m starving myself or anything. Like I said, you’re fine with it, so obviously it’s not dangerous-”</p><p>“I’m not fine.”</p><p>“What?” Changkyun blinked. He wasn’t even sure if Hyungwon had said anything, or if he were just hearing the echoes from the recording booth. The tears ran down Hyungwon’s face faster as great, agonizing sobs built in his chest.</p><p>“I’m not fine, Kyunnie,” He choked out. “I’m n-not fucking fine! I’m so sick of feeling this way... Oh fuck... I wasn’t supposed to be like them. I wasn’t- wasn’t supposed to get this bad. I was just- I was supposed to be fine. When- when did it get so fucking bad?”</p><p>“Hyung?” Changkyun was starting to panic. He never meant to make Hyungwon cry! If anything, part of him had been hoping they could diet together, seeing how they were following the same routine, but seeing the older boy break down - hearing Hyungwon repeat ‘I’m not fine’ like a mantra, or prayer - was anything alright?</p><p>“Oh love,” Minhyuk came in and knelt in front of Hyungwon, not hesitating to pull the lanky boy into his chest. He curled into his hyung’s warmth. How did he not realize how cold he had gotten? “It’s alright. Hyung’s here...”</p><p>“Is he okay?” Changkyun asked, his voice thick with fear.</p><p>“Mm, now that he’s finally acknowledged the problem, he can start to get better.”</p><p>“You knew?” Changkyun wondered if Hyungwon could hear them at all - if their voices were carrying over his heart breaking sobs.</p><p>“Of course,” Minhyuk gave a sad huff of a chuckle. “I’ve been trying for years to get him to see what he was doing... wasn’t good, but he always insisted that he was fine, it was fine, everything was <em>fine</em>... He can’t talk his way out of this one though, thankfully.”</p><p>“Hyung...?”</p><p>“Yes baby?”</p><p>“I think I’m-” He paused, swallowing thickly. “I think I need help too? I-I thought it was fine, cuz hyung seemed fine.”</p><p>“What were you doing?”</p><p>“I-I found hyung’s log on this app that tracked his calories,” Changkyun could feel his breathing start to pick up a little. “I-I wanted to l-lose some weight, and hyung is so thin and p-pretty so I just- I ate what he did. I thought he was fine, so it would be fine for me too, but n-now I’m always so fucking cold, and I can’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusting, and the smell of food makes me gag...”</p><p>Changkyun, in the back of his head, knew it wasn’t solely because of Hyungwon’s diet and log - he had a predisposition for eating disorders since high school, when he spent almost five months trying to teach himself how to purge correctly, only to stop because all he managed to accomplish was scraping the crap out of his throat and gagging on the blood.</p><p>He knew this was bordering on an eating disorder, but he wanted to believe in Hyungwon. He wanted to believe that the older boy knew what he was doing. He was fine! He worked hard, and laughed with them. Sure, he skipped a few meals, but he didn’t look sick. He didn’t look like he was dying, the way the people in the thinspo pictures Changkyun used to worship as a teenager did.</p><p>“Don’t worry Kyunnie, you’re going to be okay,” Minhyuk whispered, pulling both his boys into his arms. “Hyung has you. You don’t have to do this alone.”</p><p>He had seen the signs - the thinning hair, the low body temperature, the cuts on the backs of hands - but he knew if he brought it up outright, they would instantly deny it and pull away from the others even more, and Minhyuk knew they couldn’t afford to pull away.</p><p>But now, he had the opportunity to get his boys help. He finally had a window to help Hyungwon and Changkyun see themselves the way the others did - amazing, loving, talented young men, who really were perfect the way they were, despite what beauty standards said. It would be difficult, but Minhyuk promised himself that they would never have to handle any part of their recovery alone.</p><hr/><p><br/>“How are you feeling Wonnie?” Minhyuk asked. They were walking back from Hyungwon’s therapy session, where the older boy sat in the lobby for moral support as the younger awkwardly hashed out some of his self esteem issues for an hour. It was only his second appointment, and he still wasn’t entirely sure how she was supposed to be able to fix him, but he kept going without complaint for Changkyun - not for himself, but for his maknae, who was too afraid to talk to someone until Hyungwon convinced him they could get therapy together.</p><p>Changkyun went the day after for his appointment.</p><p>“Tired,” He answered honestly. “Can... can we stop on our way back?”</p><p>“Hm? Stop where?” Minhyuk asked, their hands entwined between them. He swung their arms back and forth as they walked.</p><p>“I kinda want ice cream,” He admitted, as if it were something bad. Minhyuk almost stopped walking entirely - the shock on his face instantly morphing into a huge grin. “Is that okay?”</p><p>“Mm!” Minhyuk tugged Hyungwon towards the nearest convenience store eagerly. “It’s totally okay! It’s perfect!”</p><p>“Why are you so excited?” Hyungwon asked with a faint smirk. Minhyuk brought him over to the ice cream freezer, his eyes not leaving the colorful wrappers as he thought of his reply.</p><p>“This is the first time you’ve asked me for food in forever,” Minhyuk whispered, reaching for his favorite chocolate pop. Hyungwon just blinked, trying to recall the last time he had asked anyone for food. “I’m so fucking proud of you, Wonnie.”</p><p>“I mean, it’s just ice cream...” Hyungwon muttered, his face heating up.</p><p>“It’s not just ice cream,” Minhyuk’s eyes were glassy but his smile was brighter than ever before. “It’s so much more than just ice cream! It.... this is the ice cream of healing.”</p><p>“Like a video game?”</p><p>“Like a video game,” Minhyuk confirmed, handing Hyungwon the strawberry ice cream he always got - always used to get. “Eat it, and it’ll give you.... Five hp back.”</p><p>“We should stock up then,” Hyungwon said seriously, opening the ice cream freezer once again and reaching inside. He started grabbing more, and Minhyuk recognized the other member’s favorites. “Never know when you’re gonna need a health ice cream.”</p><p>“Mm,” He let out a wet laugh. “You’re so right Wonnie.”</p><p>“Don’t cry hyung,” Hyungwon bumped the older boy with his shoulder. “Your face gets all blotchy when you cry, and I don’t have the energy to shoulder the burden of visual.”</p><p>“PPFT-” Minhyuk snorted, almost dropping the card he was handing to the cashier.</p><p>Hyungwon watched his hyung laugh loudly, without any hesitation. He had a feeling the ice cream would make his stomach hurt, and that he would feel bad after, but he wouldn’t have to feel bad all on his own. Minhyuk and the others would be there to help him through it.</p><p>He wasn’t fine - yet.</p><p>But he would be, one day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Now that I have a half finish fic in the works, and a LONG HAUL fic planned, I want to start a third that's MX related XD I just love writing for them so much, even if they aren't one of my ults. It definitely doesn't help that Changkyun finally staked his claim on my first bias place - it was almost surprising that it took so long seeing how almost all my MX fics are about him. I actually had someone say they thought I was a Changkyun /ult/ which was honestly so wonderful?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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